Barbara forwarded your email to me and I was so glad she did. I know how sad you must be without your Mom. The world has become a much more barren place without Milly and my mom. All the Hughes girls, as you put it.
Much of the work I have been doing this year is because of the loss of my mom. And my father's sister, Mary, died a few weeks ago. She was buried in River Head, out on the island with a military service (she was one of the first woman Marines, is that wild?). Liz came up from Fla. and Bebo and Lynne came out from the city and I took the ferry down and met them.
I don't go out much. I am scared most of the time and am really struggling with depression. I am fat, don't move, etc. A real mess. But I am painting and trying to get my work on the web.
When we spread my mother's ashes at Jones Beach last January the wind was not blowing off the water. It usually does and we had been worried the ashes would blow right back at us. For some reason (God? My Mom? Global Warming?) the wind was blowing sideways, along the beach and I took a handful of her ashes and threw them into the sky and then, one by one, we all did. The wind took the ashes and swirled them around and around high into the air and they were all part of the sea and the sand and the sky. Mary, it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.
We were all stunned. None of us expected it. In fact, I have spread lots of ashes of my friends over the years and never did I see anything like that.
On the way back to the car we were all quiet and I was picking up shells like we used to do with my mom. I saved a bunch of them. Not whole shells but those beautiful pieces worn and softened by time. And I carried 4 of them around in my pocket for the rest of the winter. I was finishing up school, which was very difficult for me and I would hold the shells and rub them and think of my mother soaring up into the sky at the beach she loved so much. It helped get me to graduation. In fact I never would have attended graduation or the honors convocation the night before if not for my Mom's memory (and the support of people who loved me). I had one of the shells with me throughout the ceremonies and I would hold it and feel it's 'eternal-ness' when things got tough.
I have done drawings of the shells and more drawings. I just keep at it, I don't know why exactly but it helps and doesn't help at the same time. No, it helps but it makes her death more real and it gives me a way to make something of it.
I got down to Long Island to my Aunt Mary's funeral in little steps. I did not know if I could do it because of my panic but I thought if I could get in the car and then if I could drive to New London I might be able to get on the ferry. And I thought if I got on the ferry I could stay in the car and maybe feel safe for the journey across the Sound. I got on the ferry. I could not believe it. And once I was there I couldn't very well get off the boat. So I made it to the funeral which was very important to me, to see my cousins, Tommy and Jimmy.
So I think it is all incremental, little steps. Thats what I am told and I hope its true.
I would also love to see you, Mary, and I know Maureen would (even Romeo has asked about you). Let us know what we can do. Please. Hope to hear from you.
Love, your cousin,
Kathryn (and Maureen)
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